Remember That Time I Made Portal Remix?

Well I do. And then I captured some dope visuals and threw them up in some video for youtube. Ends up that it's gotten over 2,500 hits already which is pretty sweet. I would post my "914 Project - I Can Pretend" video game rap video, but i'm not the one who put it on youtube. Even more disappointingly, the 914 rap video that had 70k+ views was taken down because the guy that posted it got rid of his youtube account. Oh well. One of these days me and the 914 crew will get back together, finish the re-mastered version, and make a real video. But until then, check out my portal video.

Steve Jobs is an Asshole

I don't know where people get off saying that Microsoft is some big evil corporation, and that Apple is the fun and friendly one. It is the complete opposite. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple computers is a total dickwad, and for many reasons.


The iPhone has been out for quite a while now, and everybody thinks it's the coolest thing on the planet and than you need to get one in order to be a person, or a hipster, or productive, or whatever it is that you think you'll be if you get an iPhone. But it's the most restrictive piece of hardware on the market. First of all, you HAVE to sign up for AT&T and let them rape you with their ludicrous prices for data plans. What kind of bullshit is that? Wasn't it Apple that sued Microsoft for having a monopoly because Office was only available for PC's? Maybe Apple should sue AT&T also because it's the only phone company that the iPhone is available for. Second, the iPhone refuses to support Flash. If you don't know what flash is, you should probably get off the internet right now and go back to pushing that hoop down your dirt path. Not only do they not support Flash, but Apple actually restricted use of an Adobe application that converts flash into something that works for the iPhone. This is a real dick move because Adobe is the only reason that Apple is still selling computers. If I was Adobe, I would fight fire with fire and stop make the Creative Suite software for Macs. Apple would be totally fucked. Creative Suite is the only reason Apple computers sell. If they didn't have CS, they would be the most overpriced and completely useless pieces of machinery on the market. Atually, they already are. You can get a PC that runs CS4 just fine for way way way cheaper than the cheapest Apple computer available.

Next, lets discuss Apples smear campaigns. Have you seen the "I'm and Apple, and I'm a PC commercials"? All they do is take cheap jabs at PC computers. Have you seen Microsoft commercials? They ADVERTISE THEIR PRODUCT. It's like the only way that Apple can advertise is by putting down the other company. That's a real dick move. If there was a presidential campaign, and one of the candidates spent all of his time saying why you SHOULDN'T vote for the other person, as opposed to speaking about why you SHOULD vote for them, they most definitely would not get elected.

Now lets speak about the iPad. This hunk of junk is nothing but an iPod touch with a big screen. Sure, it looks pretty, but lets look at some dick moves that Steve Jobs made while designing this product. No USB ports. Why is this a dick move? Well, if there were USB ports, you could probably buy a simple $3 USB to USB cable to transfer power and data to your iPad. Why would Apple not want this? Because if you could do that with a simple USB cable, then Apple wouldn't be able to rape you with their highly overpriced Apple iPod Charger/Data cable. Next to that, the iPad lacks simple features such as a camera, which is already available in all of their other products. Why did they do this? Because they know that people will buy the iPad anyway because it's a trendy piece of shit. And then in a year when they release version 2 of the iPad, it WILL have a camera, and every dumb shit that bought the first model, will then rush to the store and buy the new model. It's manipulative and fucked up.

Next lets move on to what is big in the news right now. Some retard at Apple brought out his new, unreleased 4th gen iPhone and got drunk and left it at a bar. Some person found this, decided it could be of use to gizmodo.com , and sold it to them. Now Apple is suing gizmodo for THEFT OF PROPERTY. Okay. It was not fucking stolen. I'm talking to you Apple. YOUR retarded employee decided to take the new phone out of the office, and left it at a fucking bar. Do you know who should be in deep shit? The fucking asshole that left it at the bar, not the person that found it. And why would you be suing gizmodo? All they did was PROMOTE the product. They created hype for the new phone, they got people excited, and you are going to sue them? Assssshoooooles! On top of this, the guy at gizmodo that made the review has had his computers seized by police. What the fuck Steve Jobs? It's not this guys fault that you fucked up. He was just doing his job and reporting on the newest technology. Shit, he did Apple a favor by promoting the new product and saying that it's awesome. God damn. The phone has since been recovered, and Apple still pushes on in this legal battle. It's not like they said "oh hey, we need that back" and then took it and ended the whole ordeal. Steve Jobs decided to go the extra mile and make this poor bloggers life a living hell. What a dick!

I'm getting really frustrated at this point talking about how much Steve Jobs sucks. I really can't wait for him to die. At least Bill Gates looked like the kind big hearted geeky dude. If you ask me Steve Jobs looks like a serial rapist, and I would never ever let him into my house. Ugh, I can't write about this anymore, I'm going to have an aneurysm.

Fuck you Steve Jobs, you're a fucking Asshole.

CVS Sucks

I don't often go to CVS, and when I do, it's usually for one or maybe two items. I'll go in there, grab some batteries, or a bucket of KY jelly, and when I walk up to the front of the store to pay, what do I see? A line of like 20 people, all of them over the age of 60. And you know how many people are working the cash registers? One. Fucking... One. Now, if this wasn't bad enough, every single 60 year old lady in front of me has a fucking shopping cart full of items. Who the fuck uses a shopping cart at CVS? Have you not heard of the supermarket? They sell all the same shit as CVS, and MORE (probably for cheaper). Actually no, I take the cheaper part back. See, what draws all these old ladies here is that they survived through the great depression. And what are old depression ladies good at? Pinching pennies. And what will you find a stack of at the front door of every CVS? A fucking full 16 page color magazine of coupons. All these old ladies love that shit. The thrill of getting 30c off when you buy 15 cans of soup, it's what they live for. And the coupons just add to my world of frustration. Because these ladies will mistakenly pick up last weeks coupon magazine, and then argue to their grave that the coupons are still valid. All the while, i'm standing at the back of the line with my pack of AA batteries thinking about the lonely powerless xbox controller I have sitting at my home waiting for me. The best part is that when I let out an exasperated sigh to let the people around me know that I think they should die, one of the old ladies on line will turn to me and be like, "I know, right?" I will then shrug and laugh and think to myself, "well, at least this lady knows". And then when that lady gets up to the front of the line, guess what she starts doing? Arguing about coupons! It's crazy.

It actually took my a while, but I figured out why these old ladies do this at CVS. It's because they can go out, get their pharmaceuticals, and while their at it, make my life a pain in the ass. And I have figured out the solution.

What you do, is you put me at the front door, arm me with a pistol, and when I see somebody going to reach for one of those coupon magazines - BLAM! Problem solved.

Seriously Guys

You suck. All I want it a little bit of audience participation, and all I get is a heaping load of nothing. That's pretty lame. Everybody was all gung-ho about the boobs, but when it comes to sweaty midgets, you all flake out on me like a bunch of... I dunno, bowls of cereal. Except cereal is usually way less disappointing (unless it's Kashi, that shit is way disappointing). Anyway, i'm just going to go back to ranting about shit because i'm bloggin the fuck out man!

MS Paint Off

Okay blog readers, we're doing this one again. Apparently the last MS Paint contest was too difficult for you guys so I'm going to make it more simple. You know the rules. You have to draw a picture of the word of the week, you send them in to ImBlogginOutMan@gmail.com , the judges panel picks a winner, and the winner gets something that they probably don't want. I'm thinking of making the prize of this contest a swift kick in the junk. And if you don't have "junk" because you're a chick, then I will be happy to headbutt you in the ovaries, as Maddox has suggested that I do for years. And if you live far away, I will mail you my shoe so that you can kick yourself in the junk with it. So lets get down to the dirty. The object that you will be drawing this week is:

Sweaty Dwarfs.

And no, I'm not talking World of Warcraft dwarfs (which according to my web browser is the correct spelling, not Dwarves). I'm talking about those funny looking little fuckers that you see on the bus from time to time. Make sure you know a few things though. First, dwarfs are NOT midgets. Midgets are proportional, and dwarfs are not. I find this way funnier. If you're one of those people who is going to give me a hard time for being inconsiderate of other peoples feeling then you can go fuck yourself cause I am inconsiderate of your feelings. Also, if you have the balls to tell me that and then you go home and watch people get hit in the nuts on Funniest Home Videos and laugh at that, then you my friend, laugh at other peoples pain and suffering. And that makes you a hypocrite.

Now the magic of this assignment is I leave it up to you to demonstrate how the dwarfs became sweaty. They may have just played basketball (which they probably weren't all too good at), they may have just ran a marathon, or maybe they just gang raped a gorilla. It's really up to you, be creative. And lets not have a replay of the last contest (fuckers).

Love peace and chicken grease.

Okay Fine, Don't Send Pictures

Alright, assholes. I see how it is. Instead of acknowledging the fact that nobody reads this blog, I'm going to assume that my hundreds of readers just aren't sending pictures. Are you not motivated enough? Did you find the concept boring? Well guess what? I don't care. Now the contest is over, and I got no submissions and guess who wins the prize? ME! I win the prize, I get to buy myself beer, give myself the remains of my bank account, and I also get to give myself a handjob which was a bonus prize I didn't mention. But no, no handjobs for you, readers. Because you didn't participate.

I am now going to eat jalapeno flavored potato chips and weep softly to myself.

MS Paintathon

Remember way back when, there was this contest I had, and I asked people to draw boobs in MS Paint. I got some pretty tubular submissions. They made me laugh, they made me cry, and more than a few of them made me poop myself a little. And because I enjoyed this experience so much, I am having another contest. However, this time I am leaving it up to fate to decide what you are going to draw. What do I mean by that? What you are going to do, is click HERE and click on the "Next Word" button exactly 6 times. This is the word that you are going to draw. In your submissions, you must include a screen shot of the word that you are drawing. All submissions should be mailed to evilprime@gmail.com . And because last time I didn't get that many entries, I am actually going to have a prize this time. You get a few options for prizes. Either I buy you a beer at the bar, or I buy you a 40oz of your choice of Malt Liquor, or I paypal you the remaining .66c that I currently have in my broke ass bank account. And if none of these are satisfactory, maybe i'll scan some pictures of my testicles and you can give me an address to mail them too. We'll see.

So ladies and gentlemen, let the games begin.