Okay Fine, Don't Send Pictures

Alright, assholes. I see how it is. Instead of acknowledging the fact that nobody reads this blog, I'm going to assume that my hundreds of readers just aren't sending pictures. Are you not motivated enough? Did you find the concept boring? Well guess what? I don't care. Now the contest is over, and I got no submissions and guess who wins the prize? ME! I win the prize, I get to buy myself beer, give myself the remains of my bank account, and I also get to give myself a handjob which was a bonus prize I didn't mention. But no, no handjobs for you, readers. Because you didn't participate.

I am now going to eat jalapeno flavored potato chips and weep softly to myself.

MS Paintathon

Remember way back when, there was this contest I had, and I asked people to draw boobs in MS Paint. I got some pretty tubular submissions. They made me laugh, they made me cry, and more than a few of them made me poop myself a little. And because I enjoyed this experience so much, I am having another contest. However, this time I am leaving it up to fate to decide what you are going to draw. What do I mean by that? What you are going to do, is click HERE and click on the "Next Word" button exactly 6 times. This is the word that you are going to draw. In your submissions, you must include a screen shot of the word that you are drawing. All submissions should be mailed to evilprime@gmail.com . And because last time I didn't get that many entries, I am actually going to have a prize this time. You get a few options for prizes. Either I buy you a beer at the bar, or I buy you a 40oz of your choice of Malt Liquor, or I paypal you the remaining .66c that I currently have in my broke ass bank account. And if none of these are satisfactory, maybe i'll scan some pictures of my testicles and you can give me an address to mail them too. We'll see.

So ladies and gentlemen, let the games begin.

Pennies Are The Worst

You know what sucks? When you go to buy something and then when you get your change back, there are 4 pennies. What are you going to do with those pennies? Spend them? Maybe put them in a jar at home? Or are you going to throw them out with your receipt?

I'm not the kind that usually throws the pennies away, but this will happen time to time. Why? Well, if I buy something for 99c and then somebody gives me a penny back. I don't want that thing corrupting the other useful change in my pocket. Yeah, sure, I can throw it in my pocket. But there's a good chance it's going to slide out of there, onto the floor of my car, and it will never be seen again. And if it is seen again, it will be by the eye of my vacuum cleaner. I don't want to touch that nasty ass penny that's been sitting under the seat of my car, that's gross.

Now what I get curious about is just how many pennies get thrown away a year? I've searched around the internet, but I haven't been able to find a solid answer. All I could find is that 50% of pennies given as change in the US are thrown away, so that's a whole fuckload of pennies.

Now look at our nation in crisis with the economy. Do you know who I blame? Pennies. Think about it. How much money has our economy lost in thrown away pennies each year? Not just money our country is losing, but if that money is never going to be used again, then it won't make it's way to any other country either. And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that in other countries they have similar problems.

So how much money are we losing annually just because of small increments being constantly thrown away? A lot. And how to we fix this problem?

Well, if we were to get rid of pennies, then it would be difficult to break a dollar in any which way. So does this mean that pricing and change giving would have to round up or down to the nearest nickel? Maybe that would work for a little while, but then we would eventually start to have the same problems with nickels, and then on to dimes. So what must we do?

Get rid of physical currency.

How?

Oh lord, this is gonna be a long one.

We're going to need under the skin RFID tags that link up with our bank accounts. This has already been speculated to happen in the future, but it does not get rid of the necessity for hard currency. Because what if it's your grandson's birthday and you want to give them a birthday card with some money things in it? Checks? Naaah.

We already have a solution for this: Computers. If we get rid of physical currency, all banking can be done online. You can just transfer the money into his account linked to his RFID tag, and maybe print him out a receipt or something fancy like that. Or even cooler, you could have some sort of iPhone app that scans his RFID, then yours, and then you can make a digital transaction using the phone.

And if that doesn't work we can just nuke the polar ice caps and try to kill everybody. If anybody survives, they can start society again with the barter system and then we don't have to worry about pennies anymore.

All Twitted Out

Ladies and Gentlemen. We now have full twitter functionality. What does this mean to you? You see that little "Tweet" button in the top right of this post? -----------> If you click on that, and then let this shit link up to your twitter account, it will automatically twitter my blog for you (because I know that tweeting my blog is something everybody wants to do).

Also, on the bottom of the page, there is now a follow me on twitter link. Guess what happens when you click on it. If you guessed "A van full of clowns in crotchless jumpsuits will come to your house and molest you" then you are correct.

Shout Out To Technorati

N225ZKDT6VCV

I think this is how this works.

This is Some Matrix Shit Right Here

Okay okay okay...
Lemme lay some science on you.

As we all know (except for creationists) that humans have evolved from monkeys or apes or some kind of little hairy thing that may at one point have been a fish of some sort. And through evolution, we have gotten rid of a bunch of unnecessary hair, we started walking upright, and we formed languages and alphabets and other sweet ways to communicate like facebook and twitter. But even at this point, we must still be evolving somehow, right?

You're damn right, right!

As globalization happens, people from countries that were once unreachable begin to breed with other people with different genes. Now I'm not trying to turn this into something racist, but when a black chick sleeps with a white dude and they make babies, the baby will be a light skinned black person, or a halfie as I sometimes (non racially) call them. Now if that halfie sleeps with a Asian/Mexican halfie and make some kind of white/black/Asian/Mexican quadie. Now if this quadie sleeps with some other quadie and makes babies, then we have some kind of human mutt. Now once again, I would like to take this time to note that I'm not trying to be racist if it's coming off like that. I'm actually all for the unification of all races through reproduction, that's evolution baby. But the question that remains is: What color of skin will this mix of races have? According to scientists*, it will be some sort of gray color. So this means that gray skin is in the lineup for human evolution.

What's next on the lineup for evolution? Height? Got that one covered. China has about 20% of the worlds population. Aside from Yao Ming, Chinese people are usually pretty short. Once again, NOT being racist! This is just true, it's not my fault that height is hereditary and Genghis Khan was a short dude whose mongol seed invaded the ovaries of hundreds of (probably also short) Asian women. So this means that shortness is spreading. It may actually be part of our evolution to get smaller. Smaller bodies are easier to handle anyway, so this one is actually survival of the fittest. Seriously though, it's a known fact that tall people have shorter lives while shorter people live longer lives (with shorter penises)*

Now i'm gonna have to go and make another note about Chinese people. They generally have flatter faces and bigger, more slanted eyes. I know! I know! I sound like some white supremacist, but I'm just pointing out the obvious. Evolution is not my fault! This is just the way it is!

Had enough evolution? Too bad. We're reproducing fast and the human genome is changing quickly! Lets talk baldness. According to what I've read, baldness is a dominant gene. Now I don't know a whole lot about genetics, but I do know this. Males have XY chromosomes, and Females have XX chromosomes. The baldness gene travels in the X chromosome. Now I'm not a mathematician either, but look at the percentages here. XX-XY. How many X's are there? That's 75% X's! And baldness is carried in the X Gene?! Conclusion: Eventually all humans will be bald*.

Along with evolution of our bodies, we also evolve with technology and communication. Humans went from grunting and throwing rocks, to twittering and dropping nuclear bombs from giant metal birds that rip through the air. And according to Moore's Law, technology will continue to evolve with us so long as we stay the dominant race on this planet.

Now prepare to shit yourself.

if all of the above mentioned is true, then we will evolve to be little, gray, big slanty eyed, flat faced, bald dudes with advanced technology such as hovering air crafts that can zip through the sky

OHHHHHHHH SNAP! You heard it here first! Aliens are not from other planets! They are HUMAN TIME TRAVELERS FROM THE FUTURE! Why would they come back in time and abduct us and steal our cows and shit? A lot of reasons. What if there's food problems in the future? What if we actually eat ALL of the cows? Then what? Then we time travel our asses back in time, abduct some fucking cows, bring them back, clone those delicious maahfuckas, and FEAST! Why would we abduct humans? Why not? You're telling me that if a human scientist went back in time to see a pre-evolved form of a human, they wouldn't want to inspect it and maybe do some experiments and shit? Of course they would! That's like, what scientists do, man!

But you may wonder... If they are humans and they are friendly, then how come they don't come down here and say "hi" and let us know what's going down in the future and maybe kill the next Hitler before he's born. You wanna know why? Have you not fucking seen Back To The Future? You can't just go back in time and start fucking with shit like that. You'll screw up the whole space time continuum or some shit. What if you went back in time and you messed with some shit, and then because of that the technology of time travel was never invented? Then what? Then you're stuck in the past, and everybody thinks you're an alien, and you have no way to disprove them because your time travel pod broke down. You'd be fucked.

So now you all know. And it looks like some of us are already starting to evolve.

*citation needed

I Present To You: The Winners

Oh wow, so i've seen some things in this past week. I certainly have seen some things. Mostly poorly drawn boobs done in MS Paint. Due to the small amount of submissions I got (Only 11), I have decided that I am going to cut the number of winners down from 5 to 3. These 3 winners are going to receive $100 checks in the mail*. So without further adieu, I present you with our winners:

Starting with 3rd place, I give you Boob Eyes by Roy... His name might be Ray though, it's hard to tell from the signature. And i'm not really sure what his last name is either. He actually responded to a post I put on craigslist to draw boobs (which got taken down in a mere 3 hours)


This, my friends, is a brilliant design. I see what he did there, and I like it. Very creative. As a matter of fact, if I ever start some kind of company, this is going to be my companies logo. For sure.

The second place winner gets a prize because she most accurately drew something that you can find in my freezer. I give you; The Yellow Tag Special by Sarai Bartels


Look at the blood! Look at the tits! Holy fuck, those are some nice titties! You can almost feel them jiggling around in the palms of your hands. Wubblywubblywubblywubbly! (that's the noise I make when I play with boobs, you should try it some time, it adds a new level of fun). And All this at a price of $3.50? You just can't beat that! I'm skeptical of 2 things on this one. First of all, how do I know the submitting artist isn't the Loch Ness Monster? $3.50? I know this trick. Well, she's not the Loch Ness Monster, she's my girlfriend, so the first mystery is solved. Also, from the looks of it, it seems as if there could have been some photoshopping at hand. However, due to the fact that I watched her draw it on my computer using MS Paint (Win7 Version) I can't call her out on any kind of fraud, this was genuinely done in MS paint. The new brush kit that is included in this version of paint is quite impressive.

And now, I present you with the first place winner; Titulamoth by Luke Meyerdierks. I really don't think I need to tell you why he won this.


(Click on the image to read the text, it's very important that you do this)
In the words of Luke himself, "If there's two things I love, it's MS Paint, and Boobs". Wow, just wow. It has a story and everything. I clap my hands for you Luke, I clap my hands. I am in awe. I just... Don't know what else to say.



HONERABLE MENTIONS

I feel like I had to post up a few more because I really do appreciate them. They were all great submissions for their own reasons, and I feel like I should share them with you. Ch-ch-ch-checkit.

Rapetits by Gavin Osullivan:


Boobs, by JBM (another craigslist submission)


Flop Top by Miguel Diaz:


And another submission by Luke Meyerdierks entitled WTF (you can't win twice, but if you could, he would have)




And that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed these fine works of art as much as I have. Feel free to masturbate to them. Especially the ones by Luke.


*No they aren't.

Tits or GTFO

Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the first contest in the history of Bloggin Out Man: "My boobs are better than yours". What is this contest about? Well it's simple really. You use MS Paint (or some alternative - NO PHOTOSHOP PLX) and draw the nicest rack you can. Email your submission to evilprime@gmail.com and the top 5 best pictures of MS Paint boobs will be posted and THERE MIGHT BE PRIZES*. So get your mouse hand ready. Remember, realism isn't the only criteria for this contest. Be creative! Nipple tassles, comically oversized boobs, Anything goes really, this IS the internet.


*there will not be prizes