Friday, April 30, 2010

Remember That Time I Made Portal Remix?

Well I do. And then I captured some dope visuals and threw them up in some video for youtube. Ends up that it's gotten over 2,500 hits already which is pretty sweet. I would post my "914 Project - I Can Pretend" video game rap video, but i'm not the one who put it on youtube. Even more disappointingly, the 914 rap video that had 70k+ views was taken down because the guy that posted it got rid of his youtube account. Oh well. One of these days me and the 914 crew will get back together, finish the re-mastered version, and make a real video. But until then, check out my portal video.



Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Steve Jobs is an Asshole

I don't know where people get off saying that Microsoft is some big evil corporation, and that Apple is the fun and friendly one. It is the complete opposite. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple computers is a total dickwad, and for many reasons.


The iPhone has been out for quite a while now, and everybody thinks it's the coolest thing on the planet and than you need to get one in order to be a person, or a hipster, or productive, or whatever it is that you think you'll be if you get an iPhone. But it's the most restrictive piece of hardware on the market. First of all, you HAVE to sign up for AT&T and let them rape you with their ludicrous prices for data plans. What kind of bullshit is that? Wasn't it Apple that sued Microsoft for having a monopoly because Office was only available for PC's? Maybe Apple should sue AT&T also because it's the only phone company that the iPhone is available for. Second, the iPhone refuses to support Flash. If you don't know what flash is, you should probably get off the internet right now and go back to pushing that hoop down your dirt path. Not only do they not support Flash, but Apple actually restricted use of an Adobe application that converts flash into something that works for the iPhone. This is a real dick move because Adobe is the only reason that Apple is still selling computers. If I was Adobe, I would fight fire with fire and stop make the Creative Suite software for Macs. Apple would be totally fucked. Creative Suite is the only reason Apple computers sell. If they didn't have CS, they would be the most overpriced and completely useless pieces of machinery on the market. Atually, they already are. You can get a PC that runs CS4 just fine for way way way cheaper than the cheapest Apple computer available.

Next, lets discuss Apples smear campaigns. Have you seen the "I'm and Apple, and I'm a PC commercials"? All they do is take cheap jabs at PC computers. Have you seen Microsoft commercials? They ADVERTISE THEIR PRODUCT. It's like the only way that Apple can advertise is by putting down the other company. That's a real dick move. If there was a presidential campaign, and one of the candidates spent all of his time saying why you SHOULDN'T vote for the other person, as opposed to speaking about why you SHOULD vote for them, they most definitely would not get elected.

Now lets speak about the iPad. This hunk of junk is nothing but an iPod touch with a big screen. Sure, it looks pretty, but lets look at some dick moves that Steve Jobs made while designing this product. No USB ports. Why is this a dick move? Well, if there were USB ports, you could probably buy a simple $3 USB to USB cable to transfer power and data to your iPad. Why would Apple not want this? Because if you could do that with a simple USB cable, then Apple wouldn't be able to rape you with their highly overpriced Apple iPod Charger/Data cable. Next to that, the iPad lacks simple features such as a camera, which is already available in all of their other products. Why did they do this? Because they know that people will buy the iPad anyway because it's a trendy piece of shit. And then in a year when they release version 2 of the iPad, it WILL have a camera, and every dumb shit that bought the first model, will then rush to the store and buy the new model. It's manipulative and fucked up.

Next lets move on to what is big in the news right now. Some retard at Apple brought out his new, unreleased 4th gen iPhone and got drunk and left it at a bar. Some person found this, decided it could be of use to gizmodo.com , and sold it to them. Now Apple is suing gizmodo for THEFT OF PROPERTY. Okay. It was not fucking stolen. I'm talking to you Apple. YOUR retarded employee decided to take the new phone out of the office, and left it at a fucking bar. Do you know who should be in deep shit? The fucking asshole that left it at the bar, not the person that found it. And why would you be suing gizmodo? All they did was PROMOTE the product. They created hype for the new phone, they got people excited, and you are going to sue them? Assssshoooooles! On top of this, the guy at gizmodo that made the review has had his computers seized by police. What the fuck Steve Jobs? It's not this guys fault that you fucked up. He was just doing his job and reporting on the newest technology. Shit, he did Apple a favor by promoting the new product and saying that it's awesome. God damn. The phone has since been recovered, and Apple still pushes on in this legal battle. It's not like they said "oh hey, we need that back" and then took it and ended the whole ordeal. Steve Jobs decided to go the extra mile and make this poor bloggers life a living hell. What a dick!

I'm getting really frustrated at this point talking about how much Steve Jobs sucks. I really can't wait for him to die. At least Bill Gates looked like the kind big hearted geeky dude. If you ask me Steve Jobs looks like a serial rapist, and I would never ever let him into my house. Ugh, I can't write about this anymore, I'm going to have an aneurysm.

Fuck you Steve Jobs, you're a fucking Asshole.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

CVS Sucks

I don't often go to CVS, and when I do, it's usually for one or maybe two items. I'll go in there, grab some batteries, or a bucket of KY jelly, and when I walk up to the front of the store to pay, what do I see? A line of like 20 people, all of them over the age of 60. And you know how many people are working the cash registers? One. Fucking... One. Now, if this wasn't bad enough, every single 60 year old lady in front of me has a fucking shopping cart full of items. Who the fuck uses a shopping cart at CVS? Have you not heard of the supermarket? They sell all the same shit as CVS, and MORE (probably for cheaper). Actually no, I take the cheaper part back. See, what draws all these old ladies here is that they survived through the great depression. And what are old depression ladies good at? Pinching pennies. And what will you find a stack of at the front door of every CVS? A fucking full 16 page color magazine of coupons. All these old ladies love that shit. The thrill of getting 30c off when you buy 15 cans of soup, it's what they live for. And the coupons just add to my world of frustration. Because these ladies will mistakenly pick up last weeks coupon magazine, and then argue to their grave that the coupons are still valid. All the while, i'm standing at the back of the line with my pack of AA batteries thinking about the lonely powerless xbox controller I have sitting at my home waiting for me. The best part is that when I let out an exasperated sigh to let the people around me know that I think they should die, one of the old ladies on line will turn to me and be like, "I know, right?" I will then shrug and laugh and think to myself, "well, at least this lady knows". And then when that lady gets up to the front of the line, guess what she starts doing? Arguing about coupons! It's crazy.

It actually took my a while, but I figured out why these old ladies do this at CVS. It's because they can go out, get their pharmaceuticals, and while their at it, make my life a pain in the ass. And I have figured out the solution.

What you do, is you put me at the front door, arm me with a pistol, and when I see somebody going to reach for one of those coupon magazines - BLAM! Problem solved.

Seriously Guys

You suck. All I want it a little bit of audience participation, and all I get is a heaping load of nothing. That's pretty lame. Everybody was all gung-ho about the boobs, but when it comes to sweaty midgets, you all flake out on me like a bunch of... I dunno, bowls of cereal. Except cereal is usually way less disappointing (unless it's Kashi, that shit is way disappointing). Anyway, i'm just going to go back to ranting about shit because i'm bloggin the fuck out man!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

MS Paint Off

Okay blog readers, we're doing this one again. Apparently the last MS Paint contest was too difficult for you guys so I'm going to make it more simple. You know the rules. You have to draw a picture of the word of the week, you send them in to ImBlogginOutMan@gmail.com , the judges panel picks a winner, and the winner gets something that they probably don't want. I'm thinking of making the prize of this contest a swift kick in the junk. And if you don't have "junk" because you're a chick, then I will be happy to headbutt you in the ovaries, as Maddox has suggested that I do for years. And if you live far away, I will mail you my shoe so that you can kick yourself in the junk with it. So lets get down to the dirty. The object that you will be drawing this week is:

Sweaty Dwarfs.

And no, I'm not talking World of Warcraft dwarfs (which according to my web browser is the correct spelling, not Dwarves). I'm talking about those funny looking little fuckers that you see on the bus from time to time. Make sure you know a few things though. First, dwarfs are NOT midgets. Midgets are proportional, and dwarfs are not. I find this way funnier. If you're one of those people who is going to give me a hard time for being inconsiderate of other peoples feeling then you can go fuck yourself cause I am inconsiderate of your feelings. Also, if you have the balls to tell me that and then you go home and watch people get hit in the nuts on Funniest Home Videos and laugh at that, then you my friend, laugh at other peoples pain and suffering. And that makes you a hypocrite.

Now the magic of this assignment is I leave it up to you to demonstrate how the dwarfs became sweaty. They may have just played basketball (which they probably weren't all too good at), they may have just ran a marathon, or maybe they just gang raped a gorilla. It's really up to you, be creative. And lets not have a replay of the last contest (fuckers).

Love peace and chicken grease.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Okay Fine, Don't Send Pictures

Alright, assholes. I see how it is. Instead of acknowledging the fact that nobody reads this blog, I'm going to assume that my hundreds of readers just aren't sending pictures. Are you not motivated enough? Did you find the concept boring? Well guess what? I don't care. Now the contest is over, and I got no submissions and guess who wins the prize? ME! I win the prize, I get to buy myself beer, give myself the remains of my bank account, and I also get to give myself a handjob which was a bonus prize I didn't mention. But no, no handjobs for you, readers. Because you didn't participate.

I am now going to eat jalapeno flavored potato chips and weep softly to myself.

Monday, March 22, 2010

MS Paintathon

Remember way back when, there was this contest I had, and I asked people to draw boobs in MS Paint. I got some pretty tubular submissions. They made me laugh, they made me cry, and more than a few of them made me poop myself a little. And because I enjoyed this experience so much, I am having another contest. However, this time I am leaving it up to fate to decide what you are going to draw. What do I mean by that? What you are going to do, is click HERE and click on the "Next Word" button exactly 6 times. This is the word that you are going to draw. In your submissions, you must include a screen shot of the word that you are drawing. All submissions should be mailed to evilprime@gmail.com . And because last time I didn't get that many entries, I am actually going to have a prize this time. You get a few options for prizes. Either I buy you a beer at the bar, or I buy you a 40oz of your choice of Malt Liquor, or I paypal you the remaining .66c that I currently have in my broke ass bank account. And if none of these are satisfactory, maybe i'll scan some pictures of my testicles and you can give me an address to mail them too. We'll see.

So ladies and gentlemen, let the games begin.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Pennies Are The Worst

You know what sucks? When you go to buy something and then when you get your change back, there are 4 pennies. What are you going to do with those pennies? Spend them? Maybe put them in a jar at home? Or are you going to throw them out with your receipt?

I'm not the kind that usually throws the pennies away, but this will happen time to time. Why? Well, if I buy something for 99c and then somebody gives me a penny back. I don't want that thing corrupting the other useful change in my pocket. Yeah, sure, I can throw it in my pocket. But there's a good chance it's going to slide out of there, onto the floor of my car, and it will never be seen again. And if it is seen again, it will be by the eye of my vacuum cleaner. I don't want to touch that nasty ass penny that's been sitting under the seat of my car, that's gross.

Now what I get curious about is just how many pennies get thrown away a year? I've searched around the internet, but I haven't been able to find a solid answer. All I could find is that 50% of pennies given as change in the US are thrown away, so that's a whole fuckload of pennies.

Now look at our nation in crisis with the economy. Do you know who I blame? Pennies. Think about it. How much money has our economy lost in thrown away pennies each year? Not just money our country is losing, but if that money is never going to be used again, then it won't make it's way to any other country either. And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that in other countries they have similar problems.

So how much money are we losing annually just because of small increments being constantly thrown away? A lot. And how to we fix this problem?

Well, if we were to get rid of pennies, then it would be difficult to break a dollar in any which way. So does this mean that pricing and change giving would have to round up or down to the nearest nickel? Maybe that would work for a little while, but then we would eventually start to have the same problems with nickels, and then on to dimes. So what must we do?

Get rid of physical currency.

How?

Oh lord, this is gonna be a long one.

We're going to need under the skin RFID tags that link up with our bank accounts. This has already been speculated to happen in the future, but it does not get rid of the necessity for hard currency. Because what if it's your grandson's birthday and you want to give them a birthday card with some money things in it? Checks? Naaah.

We already have a solution for this: Computers. If we get rid of physical currency, all banking can be done online. You can just transfer the money into his account linked to his RFID tag, and maybe print him out a receipt or something fancy like that. Or even cooler, you could have some sort of iPhone app that scans his RFID, then yours, and then you can make a digital transaction using the phone.

And if that doesn't work we can just nuke the polar ice caps and try to kill everybody. If anybody survives, they can start society again with the barter system and then we don't have to worry about pennies anymore.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

All Twitted Out

Ladies and Gentlemen. We now have full twitter functionality. What does this mean to you? You see that little "Tweet" button in the top right of this post? -----------> If you click on that, and then let this shit link up to your twitter account, it will automatically twitter my blog for you (because I know that tweeting my blog is something everybody wants to do).

Also, on the bottom of the page, there is now a follow me on twitter link. Guess what happens when you click on it. If you guessed "A van full of clowns in crotchless jumpsuits will come to your house and molest you" then you are correct.

Shout Out To Technorati

N225ZKDT6VCV

I think this is how this works.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

This is Some Matrix Shit Right Here

Okay okay okay...
Lemme lay some science on you.

As we all know (except for creationists) that humans have evolved from monkeys or apes or some kind of little hairy thing that may at one point have been a fish of some sort. And through evolution, we have gotten rid of a bunch of unnecessary hair, we started walking upright, and we formed languages and alphabets and other sweet ways to communicate like facebook and twitter. But even at this point, we must still be evolving somehow, right?

You're damn right, right!

As globalization happens, people from countries that were once unreachable begin to breed with other people with different genes. Now I'm not trying to turn this into something racist, but when a black chick sleeps with a white dude and they make babies, the baby will be a light skinned black person, or a halfie as I sometimes (non racially) call them. Now if that halfie sleeps with a Asian/Mexican halfie and make some kind of white/black/Asian/Mexican quadie. Now if this quadie sleeps with some other quadie and makes babies, then we have some kind of human mutt. Now once again, I would like to take this time to note that I'm not trying to be racist if it's coming off like that. I'm actually all for the unification of all races through reproduction, that's evolution baby. But the question that remains is: What color of skin will this mix of races have? According to scientists*, it will be some sort of gray color. So this means that gray skin is in the lineup for human evolution.

What's next on the lineup for evolution? Height? Got that one covered. China has about 20% of the worlds population. Aside from Yao Ming, Chinese people are usually pretty short. Once again, NOT being racist! This is just true, it's not my fault that height is hereditary and Genghis Khan was a short dude whose mongol seed invaded the ovaries of hundreds of (probably also short) Asian women. So this means that shortness is spreading. It may actually be part of our evolution to get smaller. Smaller bodies are easier to handle anyway, so this one is actually survival of the fittest. Seriously though, it's a known fact that tall people have shorter lives while shorter people live longer lives (with shorter penises)*

Now i'm gonna have to go and make another note about Chinese people. They generally have flatter faces and bigger, more slanted eyes. I know! I know! I sound like some white supremacist, but I'm just pointing out the obvious. Evolution is not my fault! This is just the way it is!

Had enough evolution? Too bad. We're reproducing fast and the human genome is changing quickly! Lets talk baldness. According to what I've read, baldness is a dominant gene. Now I don't know a whole lot about genetics, but I do know this. Males have XY chromosomes, and Females have XX chromosomes. The baldness gene travels in the X chromosome. Now I'm not a mathematician either, but look at the percentages here. XX-XY. How many X's are there? That's 75% X's! And baldness is carried in the X Gene?! Conclusion: Eventually all humans will be bald*.

Along with evolution of our bodies, we also evolve with technology and communication. Humans went from grunting and throwing rocks, to twittering and dropping nuclear bombs from giant metal birds that rip through the air. And according to Moore's Law, technology will continue to evolve with us so long as we stay the dominant race on this planet.

Now prepare to shit yourself.

if all of the above mentioned is true, then we will evolve to be little, gray, big slanty eyed, flat faced, bald dudes with advanced technology such as hovering air crafts that can zip through the sky

OHHHHHHHH SNAP! You heard it here first! Aliens are not from other planets! They are HUMAN TIME TRAVELERS FROM THE FUTURE! Why would they come back in time and abduct us and steal our cows and shit? A lot of reasons. What if there's food problems in the future? What if we actually eat ALL of the cows? Then what? Then we time travel our asses back in time, abduct some fucking cows, bring them back, clone those delicious maahfuckas, and FEAST! Why would we abduct humans? Why not? You're telling me that if a human scientist went back in time to see a pre-evolved form of a human, they wouldn't want to inspect it and maybe do some experiments and shit? Of course they would! That's like, what scientists do, man!

But you may wonder... If they are humans and they are friendly, then how come they don't come down here and say "hi" and let us know what's going down in the future and maybe kill the next Hitler before he's born. You wanna know why? Have you not fucking seen Back To The Future? You can't just go back in time and start fucking with shit like that. You'll screw up the whole space time continuum or some shit. What if you went back in time and you messed with some shit, and then because of that the technology of time travel was never invented? Then what? Then you're stuck in the past, and everybody thinks you're an alien, and you have no way to disprove them because your time travel pod broke down. You'd be fucked.

So now you all know. And it looks like some of us are already starting to evolve.

*citation needed

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I Present To You: The Winners

Oh wow, so i've seen some things in this past week. I certainly have seen some things. Mostly poorly drawn boobs done in MS Paint. Due to the small amount of submissions I got (Only 11), I have decided that I am going to cut the number of winners down from 5 to 3. These 3 winners are going to receive $100 checks in the mail*. So without further adieu, I present you with our winners:

Starting with 3rd place, I give you Boob Eyes by Roy... His name might be Ray though, it's hard to tell from the signature. And i'm not really sure what his last name is either. He actually responded to a post I put on craigslist to draw boobs (which got taken down in a mere 3 hours)


This, my friends, is a brilliant design. I see what he did there, and I like it. Very creative. As a matter of fact, if I ever start some kind of company, this is going to be my companies logo. For sure.

The second place winner gets a prize because she most accurately drew something that you can find in my freezer. I give you; The Yellow Tag Special by Sarai Bartels


Look at the blood! Look at the tits! Holy fuck, those are some nice titties! You can almost feel them jiggling around in the palms of your hands. Wubblywubblywubblywubbly! (that's the noise I make when I play with boobs, you should try it some time, it adds a new level of fun). And All this at a price of $3.50? You just can't beat that! I'm skeptical of 2 things on this one. First of all, how do I know the submitting artist isn't the Loch Ness Monster? $3.50? I know this trick. Well, she's not the Loch Ness Monster, she's my girlfriend, so the first mystery is solved. Also, from the looks of it, it seems as if there could have been some photoshopping at hand. However, due to the fact that I watched her draw it on my computer using MS Paint (Win7 Version) I can't call her out on any kind of fraud, this was genuinely done in MS paint. The new brush kit that is included in this version of paint is quite impressive.

And now, I present you with the first place winner; Titulamoth by Luke Meyerdierks. I really don't think I need to tell you why he won this.


(Click on the image to read the text, it's very important that you do this)
In the words of Luke himself, "If there's two things I love, it's MS Paint, and Boobs". Wow, just wow. It has a story and everything. I clap my hands for you Luke, I clap my hands. I am in awe. I just... Don't know what else to say.



HONERABLE MENTIONS

I feel like I had to post up a few more because I really do appreciate them. They were all great submissions for their own reasons, and I feel like I should share them with you. Ch-ch-ch-checkit.

Rapetits by Gavin Osullivan:


Boobs, by JBM (another craigslist submission)


Flop Top by Miguel Diaz:


And another submission by Luke Meyerdierks entitled WTF (you can't win twice, but if you could, he would have)




And that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed these fine works of art as much as I have. Feel free to masturbate to them. Especially the ones by Luke.


*No they aren't.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tits or GTFO

Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the first contest in the history of Bloggin Out Man: "My boobs are better than yours". What is this contest about? Well it's simple really. You use MS Paint (or some alternative - NO PHOTOSHOP PLX) and draw the nicest rack you can. Email your submission to evilprime@gmail.com and the top 5 best pictures of MS Paint boobs will be posted and THERE MIGHT BE PRIZES*. So get your mouse hand ready. Remember, realism isn't the only criteria for this contest. Be creative! Nipple tassles, comically oversized boobs, Anything goes really, this IS the internet.


*there will not be prizes

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The First Of Many To Come

This is your captain speaking, and by captain, I mean author of this blog. And by speaking I mean writing. Anywho. This blog is going to be about a lot of things, and this first post is just to let you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.

At first, I was thinking of making it a cooking blog entitled "Ghetto Cooking With Phil: College Cuisine" in which I would share my recipes to make delicious and cheap meals. Okay, some of them are kind of revolting, but all very interested. For example: "Dog Food", which is a mix of assorted random meats, stovetop stuffing, and mac n' cheese. It gets it's name from the texture and look, and maybe just a little bit of the taste. The same recipe can be balled up , dipped in egg and flour, and deep fried (and possibly wrapped in bacon, I haven't decided yet) But then I came to the realization that releasing these recipes to the masses may cause a sudden increase in the amount of heart attacks worldwide, and I don't want to deal with any lawsuits.

Then I thought, "you know what? I should make a blog about robots, because robots are freakin' badass. Maybe Ninja's too. Or... Holy shit! Ninja Robots!" But then I realized there's only so much I can write about Ninja Robots. I don't want a redundant blog that just reminds the reader that Ninja Robots are way cooler than their pathetic little life.

Next on my blogulous train of thought was a video game blog. I play a lot of games so I thought, hey, maybe I can write about them and give little reviews and have cheat codes and all that cool shit. Then I realized that ign.com pretty much has me beat on that section and that trying to make a popular blog based on that criteria would be worthless.

Then I was like "holy shit dude, I can just like, find cool links on the internets and like... post them and write some funny shit". And this was a great idea for about 2 minutes until I realized that pretty much everybody is doing that. So I thought... How about I 1-up those assholes and just post links to peoples blogs of them posting links. Take that! Wait... that just gets their blog more readers. Fuckers. They think they're so clever.

It was about this point that I thought to myself "Fuck It" and came to the conclusion that I am going to make a blog with all of the above mentioned things along with a boatload unnecessary foul language and maybe some poorly drawn pictures of boobs done in MS Paint.

And so it begins...
 

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